I went to the beach with a girl at some point this summer. I had spoken to her, probably 15-20 times before going to the beach. We never had any arguments or negativity between us up until this point. In fact she had been the nicest most polite person I had met in many years.
To name an example of considerate behaviour,: as I kept bumping my head on an overhanging branch whenever i turned around the corner, she put up a device designed to make me not hit my head on that branch. She did not say that was the reason, but I knew she did it because of that. Why did I hit my head on the same branch several times? Should I not have learned? Yes, but I had recently quit heavy cannabis abuse and my short term to long term memory transfer was severely hindered.
Back to the beach..
Her ex-boyfriend suddenly shows up. A guy she had told me wont stop visiting her and wont stop calling her. He had broken up with her long ago. I find it abit peculiar that he finds us randomly at the beach.
Suddenly out of the blue she appears to decide she does not want to go to beach with me ever again. The conversation goes something like this:
Girl: “We do not have to do this again.”
Me: “We do not HAVE to, we can choose to if we want to.”
Girl: “Not even that! Ever!”
I found that behaviour quite harsh and unwarranted. I left without further discussion as I knew it would be futile.
An hour later, she finds me where I live, comes by and kisses me.
I give her the benefit of a doubt that she is not a nasty person, and I do not confront her about her behaviour. It was very outside her normal observed behaviour. As if someone else was guiding her or something. I do not know.
I write a joke to her on FB, she apparantly does not like it. She appears at my home while I am having a friend over and starts to tell me how she dislikes that FB message.
I am puzzled by that behaviour considering I told her about several friends of mine who had a girlfriends who found it required to create scenes before their friends, thusly diminishing the mans masculinity and I also uttered my dissatisfaction about their girlfriends behaviour. I explained how this often happens within NPD/BPD patients who fear abandonment and needs a fuel source to elevate themselves. They use others to do this by devaluating them.
She was quite calm though, she did not yell and scream as did some of the others, and that was the reason I did not confront her about that particular subject of “creating a scene” however, now that she decided we should work out our private issues in public, I made it clear that I did not like the behaviour excerted at the beach. She had no comment to that. When I asked how the boyfriend who she claimed to be running away from, found her, she told me she had written him the location.
Narcissists often use x-boyfriends to get validation as they are unable to validate themselves.
Coincidentially, I had already met another one of her X´s. He was doing some work for her. I find it peculiarly interesting that she brought in old x´s as it would fit the typical pattern of narcissistic behaviour. To use one X or a new person (me) to create jealousy in the X boyfriend who just dumped her, in order to increase her value so that he would take her back.
At this point, I start withdrawing from the friendship. I hear her complain to a friend about me not dropping by to say hi anymore. How can she be surprised? Whenever I was working on something and she showed up, I no longer paid attention. She noticed that. She stated “oh, you did not notice that I arrived?” My reply was: “no, you must have snuck up on me.” In reality, I was not waiting for her anymore.
A week later she decided to throw a party for the boyfriend aswell. It was now quite clear to me that this girl is not as authentic as I thought she was. If you state you dont want to have anything to do with a person, and you do this consistently, but invite them into your home anyway, then there is a certain amount of duplicity. She also found it required to ride the back of two guys, running past me and getting eye contact as if she was saying: “look how popular I am with other guys, aren´t you jealous now?”
No, I was not jealous, I got anoyed and dissapointed in my own taste of women. At least this time, I caught the warning signs. I made it clear to her, that now she was being rejected.
A while later, I regrettet my own decision, thinking it must have been my cannabis withdrawal syndrome playing tricks on my memory/mind, could I have made a wrong decision? No. I didn´t. It was the right call, she is an emotional pit-fall.
During this period, I consulted with three friends. 1 psychologist and 2 doctors. I never gave them her identity. It was just “someone I knew” as I did not want to expose the person. At some point, I tell a friend of hers that I am going to visit a psychologist to talk a few things through. A few minuttes after I arrive in the garden of the psychologist. The friend starts pacing back and forth on the bikepath outside, listening in on our conversation. Amazing…. Third person spying on me. 😀 😀 Crazy.
Behaviour like this is consistent with the “I hate you/don´t leave me” concept of the BPD but also NPD abuse. In other words, it is deeply pathological. Entering a relationship with a person such as this, essentially has a very high risk of being a continual cycle of rejection/acceptance. Even worse, you may even begin to act the same way because such behaviour is what is considered “crazy making” and it definitely is.
BPD´s have a tendency to behave in ways that ensure their own rejection by the people they are affraid of being rejected by. It is, from their perspective better to abandon the other person than risk getting abandoned themselves.
Behaviour such as this manifests due to situations in childhood / teenage years. A triggering factor can be a divorce or loss of loved ones due to death etc. The person just did not get enough attention as a kid.
I kinda felt like I was entering a situation I had been in once before quite many years ago.: LINK
There is a reason Aerosmith went “Crazy”…. because that kinda lovin… brings a man to his knees. That kinda loving ends up becoming the kind that turns a man into a slave.
“That kinda lovin’ turns a man to a slave
That kinda lovin’ sends a man right to his grave
I go crazy, crazy baby, I go crazy
You turn it on, then you’re gone ####push/pull behaviour.
Yeah, you drive me crazy, crazy, crazy for you baby
What can I do, honey? I feel like the color blue”
Dream Theater seems to have had the same wicked experience:
“She’s not the kind of girl
You hear about
She’ll never want another
She’ll never be without
She’ll give you all the signs
She’ll tell you everything
Then turn around and walk away”
Dream Theater – Hollow Years.